Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
