Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
