cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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