I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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