there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize