Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
