She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
