You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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