my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i think my mom watched the whole time
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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