You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
