dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Life is so much better after having sex.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
