i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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