Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
