Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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