I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Found your dick twin last night
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Randomize
