glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
