Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
