I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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