It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
