I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
