shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize