I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
