so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
