He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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