I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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