The Swedes wanted a tensome.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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