I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize