So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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