Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
