Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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