God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
