maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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