Moan for me like Helen Keller
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
