Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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