hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
