i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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