I just pynch a tree in the face
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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