Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
