I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
