I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
