I want to have your abortion
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
