Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
