no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
