so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
why do cheetos always look like penises
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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