i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I have aggressive nipples.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
