you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
