yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
organizing the empties. That sober.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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