they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
