I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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