I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
