i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
