He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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