if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Randomize
