is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
