i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
