Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He passed out mid-signature
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
