My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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