I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
