did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
