I'm going to jail i love you
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
