Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize