he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
